Heartache led me to have the shakes

June 26, 2012 at 7:37 pm (Uncategorized) ()

First off, what is a heartache? I asked google- of course because thats where i get almost everything from… and google said a heartache is “Emotional anguish or grief”.

I thought today was going to be a good day. for the most part it was. Started out just fine. This story may or may not be current and may or may not be from the past- as to not devouge too much information that will lead to any certain individual from my life, just know this happened to me at some point in my life but i wanted to share this.

I was handed his phone to help him in a situation that he was dealing with. I spoke with the person on the other end of the line and while he trusted me with his phone, as i trust him with mine. Yes, i went looking (as i know most people would). Looking for what exactly? not sure, but i guess looking to find things that i did not want to find. i guess its a way of staying grounded and feeling like i have a solid foundation with this individual. Something like a security as i know looking through other peoples private area is wrong, yes but not in my eyes from the one person you are supposably with. My phone and privacy is always open to him, him- the one that i share a bed with every night, him- the one that showers with me on occasion, him- the one that spends most of my hours and days with. Yes, thats the privacy im talking about. i guess to me when you are with someone, most of your privacy is taken away and is now shared into 2=1 deal type of privacy. trust- trusting that “our” privacy is us and not an individual anymore.

so, as i was saying- looking for something i did not want to find. And yes- there it was- finding something i did not want to see. a picture text of my certain someone to another individual in his life in his full glory. how do i handle this, i ask myself? how would i normally handle this? how should i properly handle this?

I gave him the phone back.

I am shaking all over inside and out not sure what to think at this point as he claims he does not remember it. I am not a fool and was not born yesterday- two questions stem from this- how could you not remember this? is it because you do this often to many? sending private pictures to anyone, im sure you remember- hell anyone would. unless you commonly do it as to be numb to the idea and cant remember exctly who so therefor you dont remember. and the other question- why dont you remember? is it because thats all you have to answer me with as to not admit to something that went even further?


as i am right now- headache, heartache- shaking and lost for words.

what am i to do?




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